i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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