come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
