When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
