You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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