If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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