Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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