Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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