just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
