I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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