Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
