Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
