My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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