it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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