:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
