Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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