doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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