he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
