she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
