Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
