Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
