Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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