watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
