my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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