The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
