I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
