I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Watching her eat just hurts me
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
