That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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