I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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