Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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