I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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