Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
