She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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