how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
