Four minutes until I can fart!
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
