Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My cat gives me a boner
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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