Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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