If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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