she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
