Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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