Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
