i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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