It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
