a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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