I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
