went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
