mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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