if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
