K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
