Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
