i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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