Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
