I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
