I'm sorry my penis didn't work
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
