you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
