Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
My bed smells like the plague
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
