Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
