i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My vagina just clenched in fear
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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